so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
