I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
