Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
