i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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