I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
