I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
