so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
