Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
