Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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