I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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