im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My vagina is officially offended.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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