My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
