I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
