Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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