Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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