I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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