No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
