dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
