yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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