Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
