after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
