Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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