Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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