when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
