fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
