My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
