im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
