GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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