don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
