he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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