yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
