Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
