I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I would fuck him just for his dog
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
