I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
