i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
