I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
