we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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