There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
