Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
