We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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