I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
