I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
