this beer tastes like vomit already
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
