i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
