She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I want to make a zoo with you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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