If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
