I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
