2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
