In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
