i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
