I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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